It hurts. It hurts so much & it cuts real deep.
There are some things we'll never understand & there are some things we just subconsciously don't want to understand.
It's hard sometimes to see people who are so happy, when you know you quite frankly you feel the opposite of that. You have that piercing feeling in your chest & it's as if your body is sinking in position. Like you're experiencing some painful inertia. And this, this is how I kind of feel right now.
I'll refer to things in general so that the focus is not basically on me & the mellow-dramatic tone reduces :P
My words will never be able to fully express how I truly feel & I've never been so openly affectionate enough to show how happy, upset, or sad I really am so this is as close as I can let anyone view how I feel & some of the thoughts that reside in my mind.
It must be fear. Fear of exposing my feelings to others because I don't want anyone to have pity on me. I wouldn't want anyone to know how I truly feel because I fear they might figure out my weakness & would use it against me. Those tiny trivial incidents that occurred in the past when I was younger is where some of this could have probably derived from & developed.
What's difficult is to smile. Smile at others happiness, say that you're alright & know that deep inside you know whatever you're saying & doing is a contradiction to how you really feel. It's like you're crying inside. Some times those people who laugh so hard or who fool around & crack many jokes, are the ones who are hurting so badly inside. It's kind of like a diversion or some search of "looking at the bright-side of something".
I've seen people like this a lot & I know I'm one of them too.
The sad part is when it's so obvious to you that you know the person you're looking at or talking to is so hurt, and you can't do anything else but smile or try to laugh aloud with them too. It puts you in an awkward situation & lately, a lot of people I know are doing this, including myself.
But I guess it's just human nature.
The frustrating bit is that you think all this pain comes from one certain thing. However, once you get to the stage of being officially sad, that's when your sadness multiplies.
That source where you think your sadness originated from leads you to thinking about other sad thoughts in your life, especially the painful memories of the past, and thus, this leads you to feeling almost completely sad about each & every thing.
You get lost & feel more lost as days pass & you isolate yourself from people around you either by choice or just unknowingly.
Now for the "love" part that almost every one I know, even if just the slightest, is interested in. I wouldn't say I've given up on it. Afterall, when God made the universe, he was pleased with His creations & proceeded with the next. He blessed everything he made so everything in the world has God's love in it & His blessings.
That love bit between a boy & girl. Male & female.
Isn't it a sweet, beautiful & wonderful thing to express to someone certain positive affection that you have within you? There's a great feeling of over-whelming happiness & with such happiness, you're able to have a good day.
Unfortunately for some people (like myself), love like this is not one of our fortes nor is it something we're good at expressing.
I tell myself "we fall in love by chance, not by choice". Therefore don't be desperate enough to want it so badly that you end up doing some thing you'll regret or you know would hurt you. When a couple 'splits-up' it's an absolute lie to say "we've fallen out of love" OR "I fell out of love with you".
All the "I don't love you anymore, I'm so over you" are just things you feel if you say aloud, you'll end up believing in it but you know deep down inside, those feelings will never go away.This isn't factual because it's all a choice.
A choice to be together or to not be together.
Some times fate just has some other plan/ maybe a wonderful plan for you guys so a couple either ends up staying together or separating.
Once you've learnt to love something, that love will never die. For love is like a form of energy & as they say, energy can neither be destroyed nor created.
It always remains the same. So love never dies or vanishes.
Your love for something or someone will never die no matter how many times you deny it.
You may say something false or hurtful towards it or them, but that love will always remain present within you.
You can hide it & try to forget it, but it will be inside of you forever.
Now a couple who end up staying together don't have a picture perfect relationship. Arguments, misunderstandings & even some amount of boredom resides. They stay together by "work".
Every thing in the world just doesn't function without having some work put into it & this also applies to being in a long-term relationship.
But like I said, fate might have other plans for you however, what's important is to stop thinking about the "what-ifs" or thinking about the "amazing future" you & your partner would have together later on.
It also really helps to not be so obsessed & suicidal, leading to the Romeo & Juliette cliché of a story.
(I actually dislike this story. Kind of a not-so-smart story. Everything was kind of over-exaggerated but Shakespeare was a clever man)
It's all about living in the moment & making the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks & months last.
If you make it through a year, it'll be all the more better to just forget that fact & just be happy that you're still with that special someone.
Keep in mind, don't look into the past because it's history.
Make constant new memories, no matter how bad or boring things are at the moment because we only have one life & as we get older, days pass by swiftly.
A special key to life is the key to "having faith in little things" & the key of "never giving up" when the going-gets-tough.
Some people have a moment of great high, until they just fall down suddenly.
That major low point hits them. It was all just a temporary high. They feel loneliness will last with them forever & the sadness sticks with them for the long-run.
Truth of the matter is, if you accept that you're lonely & you think something will last with you forever, then you welcome it into your life. Maybe it's done unintentionally but definitely, if you let your emotions control you, you will never find real success & true happiness.
So you complain about how horrible your life is or life in general, when in fact, it's just how you're living your life & all the things you're doing that doesn't let you experience a happy & joyous life.
Fact: "Life is simple. Nobody said it would be easy."
Some people hide their sadness by laughing so hard, talking too much, or cracking never-ending jokes right? All this just to hide their internal bleeding of broken-hearted wounds & shattered good memories. They'll try to put on that happy-go-lucky mask & act all jolly & cheerful.
Sadly, not everyone (like myself) is not that naive to not notice the person their looking at is not having some hard or difficult time but I wouldn't dare be direct enough to say:
"I know you're just pretending you're happy. why lie about how you're truly feeling?".
If you do say this, you'll get the obvious reaction of:
"hahaha. I'm not lying. I'm really happy! You're thinking about things way too much. Just relax. You're acting paranoid!".
- this is just a typical scenario (didn't really happen but situations like this do happen)
Denial is human nature & being afraid to tell others about how you feel is also nothing out of the ordinary. The thing is, we often say that we're all alone & no one cares about us. But we just don't see others gestures & helping-hand.
We disregard it. Disregard them & face our problems alone as if we would be the hero/ heroine of our story & solve our own problems all by ourselves without the help of anyone.
But in order to be a hero, you need that obstacle or that villainous thing to defeat. Then you'd need to help out/ rescue others along the way before you defeat the bad guy.
Do this a couple more times & voila, bang, you're a hero/heroine.
It goes something like this,
"Those people who keep protecting others are the ones who actually need others to protect them. Those people who keep helping others are those people who need help themselves".
The lives we live consist of many ironies that we just can't ever really escape from but we just have to learn when to let go & when to still hold on.
So the most honest truth is that "no one gets from one place to another, without the help of others".
Some choose not to listen to the person reaching out to them.
You feel like that person wouldn't understand you.
But think about it, if you reject that helping hand, that's you not listening to them so the one who doesn't understand the problem, is you yourself.
Anyways, I can't stop thinking about so many things because, well I don't really know why but I just had to write something because my thoughts tend to slow down when I do.
Last thoughts before I go to sleep: Do I believe in love & am I in love?
Yes yes, of course I do & well, I'm in love with the thought of being in love.
Now I better go to sleep :P
